dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
