alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
