He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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