So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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