Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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