I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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