god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
