gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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