just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
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At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
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i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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