i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
