seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
