I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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