I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
