So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
