i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
