bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
