Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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