I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
