I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
