so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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