i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I am available for nakedness
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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