this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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