I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
