Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
