i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
