Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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