Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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