Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
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I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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