Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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