Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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