FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
