You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
