Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
