I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
