Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we made out on top of his cat.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
