i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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