I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
