I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
