I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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