In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize