There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
this just has baby written all over it
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
