if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
