My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I can't turn off my feet"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
