Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
