No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We have started to decorate penises.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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