u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
whose ass print is on the piano?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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