I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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