if i can run in heels then i can drive
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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