i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.