Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
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All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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