my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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