just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
