i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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