I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
