I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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