Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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