I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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