I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
