Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
