guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
