i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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