Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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