My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
