i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
