I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
